Everyone made decisions FOR you. Wake up at this time. Eat this food, chosen and prepared just for you. Wear these clothes, paid for and selected by someone other than yourself. Go along to this errand, that location, this class, this school, that friend's house...and just do it, because someone said so. Read a book, play a game, spin in a circle, look at the clouds. No decisions required, someone else has your best interest in mind, you don't worry, you just go with it. Life is easy. More than likely, you could even say it is good....because at this point, even if it wasn't, you wouldn't have a real awareness of that yet.
Remember when you were just a little older?
You might have had a little more freedom. You could probably express to your parents what you'd prefer to eat, wear, do with your time out of school....your parents might have even listened to your preferences. But, more than likely, at this age, you aren't the final say in any decisions. You still have someone governing their authority over you, protecting you, making sure you make the RIGHT choices that won't result in you getting hurt in any real way. Life is bike rides, libraries, playing outside til the porch light showed up, giggles with friends, plastic bracelets and singing at the top of your lungs on the sidewalk--dignity be damned.
Remember your early teenage years??
I know for me, this was a time when I felt like I had started to make some choices on my own. Among them, my church/youth group of choice, what school activities I wanted to participate in, what friends I wanted to hang out with (though there were still rules...curfew, who I could drive with, etc...), and probably the biggest choice of my adolescence, my custody arrangement. Looking back, my decision to NOT move to South Carolina with the family I grew up living with was the biggest decision I made in the first 17 years of my life. At 14, I decided I knew what I wanted, and that I could decide what was best for me. Despite my family's objections and clear feelings on the issue, I chose what I thought was best, what I knew in my heart I needed to do. At 14, I exercised a choice that impacted my life in a very real way. I know it effected those around me. My dad, clearly. My siblings, definitely. I know my dad was brokenhearted, and that was HARD for me to swallow. My littlest brother, who I loved furiously was SO confused and for at least 5 years after that decision still questioned me. I know the others were effected too, by the general turmoil the change caused, but still....I was able to make the choice that made sense to ME. I wasn't responsible for the feelings of everyone else involved. I could pull back far enough from that to decide something enormous--for me. And you know what? As hard as that was, and as many tears as I cried, I know in my heart that I made the right choice. I did well. Things turned out fine. And life went on. Full of high school sports, marching band, plays, social butterflying, trying to fit in, secret glow in the dark star parties, desperate crushes, tears.
Remember the end of high school and into college?
This was a very independent time for me. I see kids now in high school and feel like in comparison, I was so much more self-reliant, motivated, prepared for life. I never failed a class, I managed my time wisely, I held jobs, I graduated, chose a college, chose a major, paid my way, made decent choices. I met friends I counted on to help me through things, some I keep to this day. I met my husband, and despite SO many warnings and questions, and concerns, and struggles, and all-out battles...chose to marry. Still, at this time, every decision I made largely only impacted ME. No one was counting on me, no one relied on me for anything. I made choices based on what I thought was right, based on my morals, my feelings, my ideas of what the future held...
And NOW...
Now is so different. Now, everything I do impacts so much more than ever before. Every choice I make has the potential to make things so very different for the two best decisions I ever made, my girls. I had to decide between staying home and going to work. I had to choose a good child care for Katie, I have to be sure Emi is taken care of before school. I don't get to be a part of everything they do during the day, but I do get to enjoy a career I love. I can't get on every committee, take every class, spend every hour I might want at the gym. I can't buy things I might want, I can't go away on trips, I have to prioritize my free time around making sure they are cared for, loved, protected. All of a sudden, even when I think I know what's best for me, I have to stop and remind myself that maybe that's not what matters anymore. My choices, my plans, my ideas....all have to be run through the filter of, "What impact does this have on my babies?" My questions, the answers, my fears, the doubts, my worries, the what ifs....they all have to be put sort of to the side, for the sake of doing what's best for someone else. And that's hard. Some days I really wish I could flash back in time and have someone else give me the answers, make my choices, know what's best.
'Cause I'm confused.
I've never felt so loved, lonely, decided, confused, cared for, left aside, anxious, validated, conflicted, proud, ashamed or proud at one time before.
What's a girl to do?
